Early in the summer of 2019 I attended a Women’s Conference and heard Dr. Ronald E. Bartholomew speak on Agency and Accountability. Early in his presentation he made this statement based on his years of observation and interaction with people in various settings:
“People only do one thing… what they want.”
His words struck me. Maybe reading them is having the same effect on you.
I have written on the topic of wants before, and yet it keeps coming back up for me in my personal life, and also for my clients. When we look at how we spend our time, our money, and how we determine our priorities it all comes down to wants.
Often we have wants that are at odds with one another.
I want to stay at home with my children but I also want to get a job.
I want to clean the house but I also want to finish reading the book I started.
I want to save money but I also want to go shopping.
I want to lose weight but I also want to eat donuts.
What we ultimately choose to do isn’t an accident. It may feel tempting to say “It just happened”, or “I don’t know how I got here”, but the truth is we only do what we want.
I know there have been times when I have said to myself “I don’t really want to, but I”ll do it.” Wanting to be accepted, validated, part of a group, or seen as a good person (wife, mother, friend, sister, neighbor) often distracts us from owning what our true wants and desires are.
This is why words matter so much. Right now I am thinking about how I don’t want to clean my house today. And I could choose not to, but what I really want is a clean house. And I want it cleaned today. My options are to try and find someone to do it for me, or just do it. If I choose to do anything other than clean my house, it is only because I wanted to do something else more.
I may try to disguise my want with words like “have” and “should”.
“I have to clean my house”, or “I should clean my house” have a very different feeling than “I choose to clean my house.” Using the word “have” removes the element of choice, and using the word “should” implies that we are doing something we don’t want to do. Words matter.
Who will get to choose what you do and don’t do?
I hope the answer to that question is YOU! The ability to choose is a sacred gift that cannot be taken away, it can only be forgotten.
Look out for these three belief traps:
- Believing you have lost your power to choose.
- Believing you are not accountable for your choices.
- Believing momentary pleasure will feel as good as lasting achievement.
“A choice is not a thing, it is an action. It is not something we have but something we do. While we may not always have control over our options, we always have control over how we choose among them.” – Greg McKeown, author of Essentialism.
