Is it bedtime yet? You’ve been on the go since the sun came up, and it’s time to put the kids down for bed. You don’t know when, or if, your partner will be home tonight. You negotiate with toddlers for a shorter book, or skip pages of their bedtime story, hoping they don’t notice so you can rush to the door, turn off the lights, and finally get some time alone.
Between caring for children, household responsibilities, a global pandemic, and your partner’s call schedule at the hospital, sometimes it can feel like the evening hours are the only ones you have just for yourself.
I remember the days when I lived for those few hours. And how did I use the precious time I had been waiting for? More often than not, I lacked the energy to do anything but scroll social media or watch episode after episode of my favorite show on Netflix. I didn’t want to move. I didn’t want to think. I certainly didn’t want to sleep, despite the exhaustion. Choosing sleep meant that tomorrow would be here all the sooner, another repeat of today, and I wasn’t ready to give in just yet.
Without fail, I would go to sleep much later than I intended, only to be awakened by the sound of a pager or a child that was having problems staying asleep. The fatigue was my constant companion, and I did it anyway.
There was solace in knowing that others just like me were engaged in this behavior, bouncing between the same apps and comparing stories in the middle of the night, when we could have been sleeping. What I didn’t know is that it had a name.
What is revenge bedtime procrastination?
Bedtime procrastination was first defined in 2014 by researchers in the Netherlands as “failing to go to bed at the intended time, while no external circumstances prevent a person from doing so.” Two years later, the word “revenge”appeared in Chinese literature on the subject. Revenge accurately describes why many of us choose to forfeit sleep. It is an act of rebellion against a day spent tending to everyone and everything but ourselves.
The relatively obscure condition went viral in the United States in 2020 when Daphne K. Lee, a journalist based in Taiwan and New York City, shared her discovery of this phenomena on Twitter. Students, professionals, shift workers, and parents of young children recognized that this was something that we were all doing.
At the heart of revenge bedtime procrastination is a desire to exert control over a life that feels out of our control. Physicians, and their families, are accustomed to irregular and long work hours, often well into the night, with no clear separation of when work ends even after returning home. With so much unpredictability in our lives, it’s no wonder that we seek freedom in the late-night hours.
Why do we do this?
Revenge bedtime procrastination is a double edged sword. On one side, staying up late may feel like the only time we have to ourselves. A growing body of evidence points to the benefits of time away from the repetitive tasks which take up much of our daytime lives. We desperately need time for ourselves, especially now as more of us work and learn from home for extended periods of time.
On the other side, staying up late cuts into our much needed sleep.
According to the CDC “a third of US adults report that they usually get less than the recommended amount of sleep. Not getting enough sleep is linked with many chronic diseases and conditions—such as type 2 diabetes, heart disease, obesity, and depression—that threaten our nation’s health.” This is a global problem that is prevalent across every demographic and considered a public health epidemic that is often unrecognized and under-reported.
We know we aren’t getting enough sleep, but that knowledge alone isn’t enough to change our behavior. We continue to exact revenge because in the moment having those few hours to ourselves is valued more than our desire for sleep. It feels like we are taking care of our needs, but they are never satisfied. The compound consequences of inadequate sleep negates the immediate benefit we derive.
Not being able to control bumped cases, complications, or when a pager will go off can leave us feeling very disempowered and out of control. But, we can control how we respond, feel, and ultimately when we decide to go to bed.
How can we break the habit?
The following are three ways to break the cycle of revenge bedtime procrastination and gain more control over your sleep and time.
1. Technology Solutions
The same device that is your partner in crime during the late evening hours may also hold the key to getting more sleep at night and staying focused during the day.
Utilize your smartphone’s internal settings to set reminders, alarms, and limit apps that are particularly tempting in the evening hours. For even greater control considering using an app like Freedom to balance your relationship with technology and time. To monitor how much sleep you get each night, use wearable technology like smartwatches with integrated tracking or the Oura ring.
2. Behavior Solutions
The secret to having a good day starts the night before. A bedtime routine is a set of activities you perform in the same order, every night, in the 30 to 60 minutes before you go to bed.
Your bedtime routine will be unique to you, and should include calming activities like taking a warm bath, reading, journaling, or meditation. By performing the same activities in the same order every night, your brain comes to see those activities as a precursor to sleep. The activities you choose should be something you enjoy and more importantly, look forward to doing.
Habits are either destructive or constructive. Look at your current bedtime routine and see if there are constructive changes you can make.
3. Identity solutions
These are often the most difficult and yet the most effective solutions for creating lasting change. The beliefs you have about your needs, responsibilities, time, and resources are powerful drivers of habit. Do any of these sound familiar?
- My children always come first.
- There isn’t enough time for the things I need.
- I don’t have the resources or support to take time for myself during the day.
- I feel guilty for using resources on myself.
In James Clear’s book, Atomic Habits, he warns that “if you don’t change your beliefs about yourself, you may find your old identity will sabotage your efforts.” It’s hard to change your habits if you never change the underlying beliefs that led you to your past behavior.
You are important. Your needs are important. Your sleep is important. Focus on solutions rather than the problem by asking yourself this question: How can I get enough sleep at night and create space for myself during the day? Come up with as many answers as you can, and keep asking until you find the answers that are right for you. Every problem has a solution.
What do your habits reveal?
My late night-habits revealed I wasn’t paying attention to my needs during the day, and was focused only the problem which I laid squarely on the practice of medicine. The solution had to come from me.
Things change when you change what you focus on. In the same way you can’t ask a friend to take a nap for you and expect to receive the benefits of rest, nobody can do this for you. I wish it were possible, but it isn’t. It has to start with you, and it can start today – one small change at a time.
Photo by Michelen Studios on Unsplash
This article first appeared in the Spring 2021 edition of Physician Family Magazine and is republished by the author here.
