Children are quite adept at creating long lists of gifts they want to receive from Santa at Christmastime. Adults have lists too, although they are not always written down or mailed once a year to the North Pole. And while they may not always have a comprehensive list of gifts they do want, they certainly know what they don’t want.
Some gifts you will remember for as long as you live. Such was the gift I received in 2016.
We had reached what I considered to be the sweet spot in our journey. Our “it gets better” moment if you will. My husband had finished his surgical fellowship three years earlier, he had a job near our family, we were living in our dream home, and the last of our four children would be turning 5. FINALLY, we had the coveted trifecta of money, time, and age of children that would allow us to start having some fun!
Not that life wasn’t fun before. It was just a different kind of fun.
It seemed as if a whole new world of possibilities were beginning to open to us. No more diaper bags, strollers, or naps. No more leaving the youngest behind with babysitters because she didn’t have the endurance for particular outings and vacations. To be honest, most of the time I didn’t have the endurance for particular outings and vacations with pre-schoolers. I no longer felt like we were inconveniencing grandparents, because the kids were now older and more self-sufficient, when my husband and I wanted to vacation alone – something that we had only recently begun.
During medical school and residency we had taken exactly 1 trip without our children, and 2 or 3 trips with our children to visit family out of state. We were ready to travel. We celebrated our new found freedom by taking a weeklong vacation to Maui for my 40th birthday. Just my husband and I.
We had arrived! It was certain. It was magical. It was a miracle.
And then it was over.
Just as quickly as it came, it went. By that next Christmas the gift was certainly going to be delivered. We were expecting our 5th child. Unexpected. Unplanned. Unwanted.
I am ashamed to admit how upset I was. Upset isn’t a strong enough word. I was mad, angry, infuriated, betrayed. I began praying for a different kind of miracle, for divine intervention that would undo what had been done. I was solidly in my second trimester and even with advancing maternal age, the pregnancy was progressing without complication. This was going to happen.
What kind of cruel joke was this? How could this be happening to me? Now? Would we ever get to enjoy the life we had waited and worked so hard to have?
Why? Why? Why?
I wanted my life back. The one that I thought I was going to live. The one I had briefly tasted and desired.
“When you argue with reality, you lose, but only 100% of the time.”
This quote from Byron Katie’s book Loving What It: Four Questions Can Change Your Life, both delights and irritates me. Since becoming acquainted with it I have proven it true more times that I can count.
Reality always wins.
Fighting against it is futile.
Wishing my situation was different didn’t do anything other than frustrate and torment me. I won’t say that acceptance happened quickly, because it didn’t. But like a fire that blazes hot in the beginning, each week the flames lost more of their heat, smoldering and eventually extinguishing as I came to accept what reality put in my path.
What I couldn’t see through the flames and smoke was the beautiful gift I was being offered.
In each circumstance we face, there is a gift that we can can freely accept or reject. And I could have rejected it. I would be lying to say it didn’t cross my mind. But this is what life offers to us: CHOICE.
“I know this isn’t what you wanted, but trust me, you will love it.” – God
What I was being offered was a beautiful gift. She arrived early in May. She was beautiful. She was perfect. She was a gift indeed.
I shared the following words with my trusted friend who had let me cry and vent my frustrations to her as I worked through my thoughts and emotions about this abrupt change of life.
“Now the sweet angel is here with me, and I am keenly aware of how wrong I was. Yes, this pregnancy was hard, harder than I thought it should be given I didn’t want to be pregnant. Yes, the surgical delivery has been difficult, more than I ever remember the others being. Yes, my recovery is slow, slower that I would have imagined. But I would do it again for her. She is amazing. I am so lucky that almost 41 years old I get to do this again. I get to love, hold, care for, and give my all to another human being when most of my friends are sending their kids off to college and missions. I get to hold this little piece of heaven, she is mine. It is a gift I wanted to refuse, and my awareness of that lack of gratitude at the time pierces me. How could I not have wanted this? What a blessing this little girl has already been to my family. Especially to my older children who really never got to experience the joy of having a new baby in our home because they were little children themselves. My heart is ready to burst at the love I have for her. God knows how to give good gifts. He didn’t forget me, He remembered me.”
This wasn’t happening to me, it was happening for me.
This simple, and hard won, shift in perspective is what I choose to live. It is what I teach. It is what I offer to you.
No matter what unexpected and seemingly difficult circumstances you find yourself in, look for the gifts. They are everywhere.
Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash
