Today I am sharing a fool proof way to have your best Valentine’s day.
It all starts in the kitchen.
I have a drawer full of instruction manuals for the various appliances I have purchased over the years. A few were even Valentine’s gifts. Occasionally, I will I go through the drawer and discard the ones for items I no longer own. There are manuals for everything, including things you wouldn’t think require instructions to use.
Some of the manuals are mere pamphlets, like the one for my daughters Retro Series Single Snow Cone Maker. Others are the size of a novel, like my husbands John Deere Riding Lawnmower.
In the table of contents of each manual are chapters with tantalizing titles like:
- Important Precautions
- Important Safeguards
- Parts & Assembly
- How To Operate
- Helpful Tips
- Cleaning & Maintenance
(Incidentally, the above chapters were all taken from the manual for the snow cone maker!)
When something is acting up, or causing problems, making funny sounds, or I can’t remember how to put it back together after cleaning, the drawer of manuals in the kitchen is the first place I go.
Wouldn’t it be great if everyone came with an operating manual and instructions?
Well they don’t.
And yet they do.
You see, they don’t “come” with one, we already have one written for them. They just don’t know it.
Our manuals for our spouses were being drafted years before we even met, let alone said “I do”. We have this idea in our head of how our husband should operate so we can feel good about ourselves and loved in our relationship. You know, happy.
When we marry, we expect that our spouse will instinctively know what to do to make us happy. Not because we tell them, but because “if he really loves me” he would obviously know how to function in a way that makes me happy. It’s right there in the How To Operate section.
See if you recognize any of these:
- He should compliment me more.
- He should help with the kids more.
- He should support me in my healthy eating.
- He should take out the garbage.
- He should be active and trim.
- He should drink less.
- He should want to have sex more/less often.
- He should be home more often.
- He should work less.
- He should call me during the day.
- He should tell me how he feels more often.
- He should talk to me more.
- He should be more involved in decisions around the house.
- He should wear more attractive clothes.
- He should make me happier in our marriage.
- He should remember my birthday and know what I want without me telling him.
- He should be more romantic.
- He should make more money.
- He should go to bed when I go to bed.
- He should buy me flowers on Valentine’s day.
- He should enjoy being with my family.
- and so on….
We come to marriage with all our wants, needs, wishes and expectations for the other person to fulfill. And that is the beginning of a problem.
We have created an impossible mission when we attach our happiness to their actions. We set ourselves up for disappointment through the meaning we apply when they don’t follow the instructions. The interpretation is usually some version of “he must not really love me”.
No human could ever comply with such complicated, intricate, and detailed expectations. Not to mention the rewrites, revisions, and special exceptions.
Whether or not you realize it, you likely have unwritten and unspoken expectations for your spouse that stem from the belief that you would be happier if your spouse just did what he “should”.
If he could just remember to take out the trash before work, I wouldn’t be so irritated and my day would be better. He should remember!
If he would just help out with the kids on Sunday mornings we could get to church on time and I wouldn’t be so grouchy. He should know parenting is his job, too!
If he would just make more money we could hire help around the house and I could finally stop feeling so overwhelmed. He should appreciate me more!
Do you have a similar statement?
It is a common problem, and one that I see show up in various forms with many of my clients.
And to be honest, I have come across my own statements even after I thought I had dealt with them all. It takes time to unpack and accept that you have been doing this voluntarily and unnecessarily for so long. Some of these expectations are particularly sneaky, and sound completely reasonable which allows them to go unnoticed.
The solution is not to write, print, laminate, bind and deliver your expectations to your spouse! Just like the manuals coming out of my kitchen drawer, they don’t usually get read. They certainly are not memorized or followed exactly. Sometimes I decide to use different ice than what the manual on the snow cone maker calls for.
But, even if it was written, well-documented, or spoken out-loud… even if they followed every instruction… the sad truth is that you would still not be happy or feel loved.
Our spouse’s behavior has no impact on us emotionally until we think about it, interpret it, and choose to make it mean something.
Card. No card.
Chocolates. No chocolates.
Date. No date.
Flowers. No flowers.
Working. Not working.
No matter what he does this Valentine’s day you get to decide what it means! Why not choose to feel love? Why not choose to let love guide your actions?
All adults have the ability and right to behave and think however they choose, including you.
Most people don’t want to accept that their emotional states are independent of their partner behaving in a certain way, saying certain things, or doing anything because for so long they have been dependent. After all, we are married.
“So, you’re telling me that I shouldn’t expect anything from him?”
There is nothing wrong with expecting or making requests of your husband, but if your happiness and emotional state is dependent on him being compliant, what are you left with when he isn’t? Disappointment, resentment, anger, …nothing positive.
Yes communicate. Yes, talk about your plans for Valentine’s day. Yes, talk about how household responsibilities are going to be prioritized, divided or delegated. Yes, talk about your needs. How they are met is going to vary from person to person. You may have to get creative or reach some compromises along the way. But, trying to control and manipulate your spouse into doing what you want, or giving you what you want, never works.
I know that letting go of these expectations feels like you are letting your spouse get away with something. And you are. You are letting him be exactly who he wants to be. Isn’t that what you want in return? To be loved exactly as you are without your partner needing you to be different or blaming you for how they feel?
Relationships can easily turn into two people just following each others’ manuals. This is the opposite of connection and intimacy. This is compliance and control at our own expense.
When you notice a “should” thought come up, stop and ask yourself:
Why should he do what I think he should?
What would I feel if he did what he should?
What do I make it mean when he does or doesn’t?
In what ways am I not doing what I should?
Do I want him to do what I think he should even if he doesn’t want to?
Do I like doing things I don’t want to do?
What kind of relationship do I want?
Watch your mind as you answer this last question. Your impulse will be to focus on your husband’s behavior with statements like “I want a husband who….” If that’s where you go, remember you don’t get to control what he does, says, things, or feels. Ask the last question again this time focusing on you and the contributions to the relationship you want to make and your thoughts about the person you have chosen to love.
It really is your decision to make, and you make it everyday.
Take responsibility for how you feel and begin creating the feelings you want on purpose. Because everything we do is based on how we think it will feel, it becomes important to think about what we want to feel. If this is a new concept for you, you can read more about it here.
Give yourself the gift of love this year and try this exercise in the days leading up to Valentine’s Day:
Spend 5-10 minutes each day brainstorming love for your spouse. “How can I love this person?”, “What do I love about them?”
I know this may be challenging because you might have a habit of focusing on everything that is going “wrong”. You have to practice.
Look. Look again. Keep looking.
What you look for you will find. Drop the expectations and CHOOSE to look for love.
I’m not saying it’s appropriate to allow anyone to mistreat you. Boundaries are necessary if a spouse or anyone else tries to mistreat you physically or emotionally. Boundaries are an important topic and I’ll address it in a future post. This current topic is about all of the little expectations you have that are weighing you down and keeping you frustrated.
Photo by Aung Soe Min on Unsplash
