I would love to declare in writing that I have achieved self-mastery in every area of my life and have complete control over over my thoughts and emotions at all times. But, I am still a work in progress.
We all are.
Progress is learning, practicing, and trying to do better. Followed by large doses of compassion when we fall short of our desired performance.
Which we will.
In that spirit, I thought it would be helpful to share an example of what this progress has looked like in my personal life. It’s one thing to write about concepts and ideas, and another to actually illustrate with real examples.
Byron Katie says “the teachers we need most are the people we’re living with right now.” I believe that to be true and one of the reasons families are so important. And because my husband reads these posts, let me confess he is a great teacher. Love you.
What follows is a situation that happened several months ago, and was shared with my email subscribers over the summer. (If you aren’t already receiving my weekly emails you can remedy that here. I promise it’s not spam.)
As you read the following encounter, see if you can spot a similar pattern in one of your own relationships.
It was a typical evening. I was serving left overs for dinner.
Not just any leftovers, but healthy leftovers. The kind that makes use of my knife skills and tastes better the next day after the flavors have fallen in love and married.
And because this was a typical evening, my husband returned home from the hospital after the kids and I had finished dinner. The kitchen was mostly cleaned up, and I was just finishing wiping off the counters.
He came in, I gave him a kiss, and I told him that I had saved him some dinner. It was on the island.
But then he proceeded to the pantry and picked up a box of cereal.
He must not have heard me. I repeated, “I saved some dinner for you.”
Now he was headed toward the cabinet where the bowls were clean and neatly stacked.
“What is he doing?” I thought.
“Doesn’t he know that I prepared food for him?”
“He shouldn’t be eating cereal, he needs nutrition.”
“He’s a doctor, he should know better!”
“I thought he was trying to eat healthier.”
“Look at this good food!”
He poured the milk on top of the cereal. The point of no return. He was really going to choose cereal over the Confetti Corn Whole Wheat Pasta Bowl.
Now I was hurt, insulted, and irritated.
“Why doesn’t he appreciate the effort I go through to prepare healthy, nutritious, and delicious meals for our family?”
“I am trying to support him.”
“Why do I bother?”
“He is setting a bad example for our children. I don’t let them eat cereal for dinner.”
“He doesn’t care about his health.”
“He doesn’t care about me.”
I felt my body tense up. I wanted to leave the room, be alone, go silent, wallow in my misery. Maybe a little Netflix and chocolate, too.
All of this happened in just seconds.
This is a familiar pattern. It has been practiced, repeated, and perfected over years if not decades.
The completed pattern would be: my husband would try to find out what was wrong with me. I would say “nothing”, but ignore him for the rest of the night. I would go to bed mad. He would go to bed confused. In 24-36 hours it would have passed – and while not forgotten, I would be back to “normal”.
At least until the next time. And there will always be a next time. Variations of this situation will come up again and again until we choose to see what it is we have been unwilling to see, and unwilling to address within ourselves.
“Our parents, our children, our spouses; and our friends will continue to press every button we have, until we realize what it is that we don’t want to know about ourselves, yet.”
Byron Katie, “Loving What Is”
Letting our unconscious patterns take over is easy and effortless. We don’t have to think about them anymore. They seem to just happen. They also seem to be be caused by something outside of us. It just isn’t true.
Challenging our patterns of thinking, feeling, and acting and choosing to do something different can be uncomfortable, to say the least. But it is exactly what must be done. Our thoughts have to be questioned and not taken as a foregone conclusion.
Questioning requires looking at what is happening in our lives and relationships in new ways. It asks us to take ownership for the parts we play. It presents the choices and says choose.
What will it be?
I told a really good story, but here are the facts:
I made dinner.
He ate cereal.
Instead of choosing to think that my husband doesn’t appreciate me, I could choose to believe that he does value my efforts but just feels like eating cereal after a long day at work, and it isn’t a problem for me.
This is likely closer to the truth than the story I was telling myself. I could choose to believe either without difficulty. Either way, it is a choice that I make with my thoughts.
This is an excellent example of how The Model is always working and awareness is developed.
The Model is a tool I use with my private coaching clients to show them the patterns created by their specific combination of thoughts, feelings, and actions. Often it is hard to identify these in ourselves, which is why a coach is so valuable.
My husband choosing to eat cereal for dinner did not cause me to feel hurt, insulted, and irritated. He isn’t that powerful. Only I am. My thoughts about what I made his dinner choice mean caused my feelings.
This is an important distinction to make. Thoughts cause feelings. Behaviors do not cause feelings.
You are responsible for how you think. You are responsible for how you feel. You are responsible for how you behave.
You are NOT responsible for your husband’s behavior, his feelings or his thoughts. Adults can do whatever they want. It is both good news and also frustrating at times.
As soon as you shift responsibility from yourself to anyone else you have relinquished your power. Awareness is the first step to reclaiming that power and putting it to work to create that kind of relationship you actually want.
“In the end, you have the power to choose both your destination and many of your experiences along the way. It is not so much you abilities, but your choices that make the difference in life.”
Dieter F. Uchtdorf
When you are first learning awareness you will see the cycle and notice what you are doing, but only after it has already happened. It might come hours, minutes, or seconds afterward, but the cycle will have already completed itself.
With more practice, you will notice the pattern as it is happening. Just notice it. It is important that at this point you don’t judge yourself for it. Just hold the awareness that you are running a pattern, and that it is an automatic response. It isn’t you.
As you keep working at identifying patterns, you will be able to notice them earlier in the cycle. Sometimes you will be able to catch them before you storm off, or open the refrigerator. Other times you will catch the pattern as the feeling of anger swells in you. Eventually, you will be able notice yourself wanting to fall into your familiar pattern, and stop it before it begins.
This is where choice happen. Life is going to present you with various opportunities and challenges that are outside of your control. How will you choose to meet them?
Awareness is a skill that is developed over time with persistence, patience, and practice. If you cultivate it, you can change everything.
Yes. Everything.
Have a pattern you want to talk about? Let’s talk.
Photo by Nyana Stoica on Unsplash
