We all have someone in our life that isn’t behaving in a way we think they “should”.
Pick a relationship and think about the last time you were with, or near, this person. Don’t be ashamed we all have at least one person.
Maybe it’s a brother-in-law that won’t participate in conversations, a sister who talks too much about her dogs, an uncle who tells inappropriate jokes. We all have somebody that we wish didn’t make every encounter so difficult.
You know who that person is in your life.
I also know you have evidence you have been gathering for years, and likely people who agree with you. But is it true and would everyone agree? And I do mean everyone.
Have you ever met someone who knows your “difficult person” and finds them to be absolutely delightful, engaging, and funny? I have. It leaves me wondering if we were talking about the same person! I have questioned if my “difficult person” has multiple personalities for each person they meet. How are they able to fool so many people when I know their true character?
What makes someone challenging or difficult?
Our judgments and thinking about them. Period. This is the part where our brains automatically want to argue. You are right on track, it’s okay.
And I hear you….. “but they are challenging and that’s why I have these thoughts about them.”
It’s also not true. Ever.
As Byron Katie says “No one else can be your problem”. What may initially sound like bad news is actually great news! All problems are thought problems, and thoughts are firmly in your realm of control. Remember, we choose our thoughts, our thoughts don’t choose us.
What are you choosing?
The eye sees what the mind looks for.
When we believe that someone is difficult, we seek out evidence to prove that we’re right. It isn’t intentional, it’s just the way it is and even has a technical name: confirmation bias. It’s a need to find correlation and support for your belief, regardless of what the belief is. Oh, how we love to be right. But, we also can decide how things will affect us. And what we focus on expands.
Another person’s behavior doesn’t mean anything until we make it mean something. That is your superpower.
“Your happiness is your responsibility.” – Byron Katie
Responsibility is, very simply, the ability to respond, and it is the first thing you need to do. Take responsibility for your thoughts, feelings and behaviors.
- Why do you choose to think that way about that person, especially if it makes you feel horrible?
- Why are you choosing to think this way about this relationship?
- What are you thinking, what are you feeling, and what are you doing?
Why does this matter? Because that is what you can change. If you want to. And if you don’t want to, take full responsibility for that choice, too.
You may not like what other people believe, do, or say, but not liking how they behave is not a valid excuse for you to not take responsibility for how you think and behave. Waiting for them to change is a losing strategy; one that you have likely tried, without success. The only way they will ever change is if they choose to, not because you think they should.
Likewise, the only way you will ever change you mind about this difficult person is if you choose to, not because anyone thinks you should. It really does go both ways. Your behavior is your choice, not a reaction to someone else’s behavior. You are the one in charge of your thoughts and behaviors. This is also true for the ‘difficult’ people in your life.
Allow them to be who they are.
Take responsibility for your feelings, and your thinking, and your actions. Then allow them to have responsibility for theirs. Other people have the right to be who they are, do what they want to do, and say what they want to say. They are going to do it whether you agree with it or not. You cannot control them.
Be aware of how much you want to control and change people. Notice how much you want to blame them and how powerless that leaves you. Here are some examples.
He shouldn’t sit in the corner during family gathers because it is rude. He thinks he is so much better than us. He doesn’t even like us. I feel judged. He is so difficult. We can’t ever have a family gathering without his ruining something for us.
She needs to stop talking about her dogs so much because we don’t care about her dogs, she never asks us about our children or jobs. It is so frustrating that she can’t talk about anything else. She is so difficult to talk to.
He should be more careful with who is in the room before he tells an inappropriate joke. His jokes aren’t funny, they make me uncomfortable, and he needs to stop. He is so difficult to be around. I can’t enjoy being with my family because he is so inappropriate.
People are generally consistent. We can usually plan on them being exactly like we’ve always known them to be. But, isn’t it funny how we are surprised when the difficult people in our lives do exactly as they have always done? He did it again!
Why are we surprised? Why would this time be any different?
People don’t change for your reasons; they change for their own. Wishing they were different doesn’t work.
Accepting this is a gift you can give yourself, and it’s a pretty great gift.
Who will you be?
It takes two people to have a relationship. You may not think you have a relationship with your brother-in-law but, if you have a thought about him, you do. We spend most of our time thinking about how other people should or shouldn’t behave and very little time examining our own behaviors in relationship to them.
Deliberately decide who you want to be with this person.
Do you behave in a way you want to behave?
Do you want them to change their behavior but are unwilling to change your behavior?
Are you feeling the way you want to feel?
There’s nothing more powerful than deciding who you will be no matter how someone else acts. To decide who you want to be and not blame someone else for your behavior is an empowering decision. And it does take deciding. “I don’t want to act that way. Here’s how I want to act. I want to act kind. I want to act calm. I want to act peaceful.”
If you have an upcoming event with this “difficult person” spend some time mentally preparing yourself for how you want to be. Imagine Thanksgiving and this person behaving in the way they always do. Don’t be surprised, but do decide ahead of time how will you behave in that situation. Surprise yourself.
When you sister starts talking about her dogs, what kind of sister do you want to be?
Your default mode will be to think, feel and do exactly what you have done in the past. It is easy and automatic. Practice running your new responses in your mind over and over. What you focus on expands. Focus on the things you want to be and let it expand.
One of my favorite thoughts is inspired by this quote from Byron Katie’s book Loving What Is
“Our parents, our children, our spouses, and our friends will continue to press every button we have, until we realize what it is that we don’t want to know about ourselves, yet. They will point us to our freedom every time.” – Byron Katie
The people in our lives, the relationships we have, and especially the difficult relationships, have the potential to teach us something about ourself if we are willing to be taught. Try being curious about what you can learn from that brother-in-law, sister, or uncle that drives you mad.
And if you are unsure of what to do, may I suggest always choose love.
Is there a relationship you would like to improve? I’d love to hear what you are working on! And if you find yourself needing a little help navigating a specific relationship consider scheduling a consultation.
Photo by Tim Marshall on Unsplash
