One of my favorite quotes is from Eckhart Tolle’s book The Power of Now. He says, “Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it.” I have been thinking about this concept a lot recently, especially in light of the medical residency match that is taking place next week.
If you aren’t familiar with the residency match it works like speed dating. The National Resident Match Program (NRMP) has a short video explaining it in more technical terms.
Basically, the medical student decides on a speciality he/she wants to work in, interviews with several programs, and then submits a ranked list of the desired programs. Meanwhile, the programs do the same for the medical students they have “dated”. Both parties submit their lists and the data goes into a fancy algorithm that attempts to match the wants and desires of both the student and the program. What comes out is a matched list of medical students to programs.
Sometimes there is a perfect match where the program and medical student get their first pick. Often, there is an alternative choice. And sometimes, a medical student might not find a match at all. Just like speed-dating there are no guarantees.
It can be a very stressful time for a medical student and their family. We went through the match in 2006, but I can remember those feelings as if it happened yesterday.
- Holding your breath from the moment the rank list is submitted.
- Second-guessing your rank list.
- Worrying that perhaps you were given false hope from the program you most wanted.
- Waiting to see if the algorithm worked in your favor.
- Praying that you or your spouse matches to a good program.
- Hoping you will find a good community, a good neighborhood, a good congregation, good schools, and good friends.
- Crossing your fingers you will be able to find housing you can afford, likely in an unfamiliar city hundreds of miles from where you currently live and far away from family.
On one day in March the next 3-7 years of your life are decided. It is a binding commitment and one that cannot easily be broken. Not many people (outside of the military) will have the unique opportunity of having their future for the next several years laid out in such a randomized, yet mathematical way on the same day with thousands of other people all over the country. It is surreal, to say the least.
For some it will be a day to celebrate, for others it will be a day of sorrow.
My advice to anyone going through the match next week, and anyone experiencing results that they wouldn’t have chosen for themselves, is this: Decide today that no matter what happens, you will accept it as if you had chosen it. Let it go, and don’t worry about it any longer.
As someone who has done her fair share of worrying over the years, I can tell you that it wasn’t productive, didn’t change the outcome, and often the things I spent hours worrying about never came to be. It is possible to skip the worrying when you commit to accepting the things that you cannot control as they come. Make that your habit.
Today you might be dealing with the NRMP. However, tomorrow you might be struggling with a teenage child, worried about selling your home, experiencing changes in health, a marriage that is on the verge of divorce, financial troubles, or a hundred other situations that seem heavy and too much to bear.
If you could accept whatever is going on in your life right now as if you had chosen it, how would your life be different?
It is a simple concept for sure to just accept whatever comes as if you had chosen it, but in practice it isn’t always easy. It may take some effort.
The definition of acceptance is the action of consenting. Action implies it is not a passive process. I would agree.
How much effort would it take to consent to what has happened (or will be happening) and let it go, not argue with it, to not think it should have gone differently, or should have been better, to not negotiate with it, but to just accept it?
A lot of effort for most of us. It is so easy to want to replay the past and entertain all the things that you could have done differently. It is also unproductive. As of today there is no way to redo what has been done. No amount of wishing will make it so. Can you accept what is happening right now, in the present, without trying to go back and change it?
“Your happiness is your responsibility.”
Byron Katie
Life situations may be outside of your control, but do you know what is firmly in your ability to control? Your response to situations. Accepting them as if you had chose them is always an option, and the one with the least amount of suffering involved.
A wise man shared this story with me several years ago, and I have remembered it ever since:
A family had just moved in to the home on our left. One day while we were outside they approached me and asked what the people in the neighborhood were like. I responded “why don’t you tell me about the people in your last neighborhood?”
They shared that they had the worst neighbors and couldn’t move soon enough. They were not very friendly and didn’t include them in many of their activities. They felt unwelcome. They felt the neighbors were petty and judgmental. I replied that they would find the same type of neighbors here.
A family had also just moved in to the home on our right. One day while we were outside they approached me and asked what the people in the neighborhood were like. I responded “why don’t you tell me about the people in your last neighborhood?”
They shared that they had the best neighbors and were sad to leave. They were friendly, and concerned about everyone on the street. They often hosted block parties and shared treats at Christmas time. They felt like their neighbors were some of their best friends and so welcoming. I replied that they would find the same type of neighbors here.
This is a fictional story of course, but his point was that we each have influence over our own experiences in this life. In other words, we create those experiences with our thoughts and what we focus on is what we find. I have seen this time and time again in my own life. It isn’t a particular house, neighborhood, city, career, work situation, or people that determine my happiness.
It is me, and happiness is a choice.
“Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it.”
Eckhart Tolle
As part of my husband’s education, training, more training, and career we have moved 8 times in 16 years. We have lived in 3 different states and 6 different cities. Whether you realize it now or not you have a relationship with the city, neighborhood, and home that you live in. Likewise, you have a relationship with your husbands job, your kids school, and the church you attend. What kind of relationships are you creating?
- What do you want to think about the city you are living in, or the city you will be living in?
- What do you want to think about the home you purchase or rent?
- What do you want to think about your spouses program and speciality?
- What do you want to think about the people you meet?
- What do you want to think about staying home with your kids or finding a job?
How you think about each of these is optional.
Choose intentionally how you want to think about all of it.
The good news is, you don’t have to wait until you get there to answer these questions, you can decide today! Begin by writing and telling yourself a great story about what is happening in your life right now, where you are going, and the people who will be in it. And then, decide to accept it all as if you had chosen it.
If you can do that, no matter what happens, you will have an amazing life.
Outward circumstances do not determine the course of our lives as much as the thoughts that habitually occupy our minds.
Howard W. Hunter
Not sure how to get started? I’ve got you covered. I offer a limited number of free coaching calls each week. You can sign up for one here.
Know someone going through the NRMP match this year? Consider sharing this with them!
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