There is nothing I love more than feeling in control. It is exhilarating! And when life starts to feel out of control, I like to think I know what the real problem is and what people should do to fix it. And therein lies the problem. We often try to control things that are entirely outside of our ability to control, and it never works. However, that doesn’t seem to deter us from trying.
For example, here are four things you might be trying to control right now.
1. Other people.
Have you ever tried to make somebody do something they didn’t want to do? We may think we know what is best for the people around us. And while it is a good idea to make recommendations or suggestions and educate others, we are not in control of whether or not they follow them.
How does it feel when someone wants you to do something you don’t want to do? I don’t like it either. We don’t want others to control us, and yet we want to control everyone and everything. If it were possible, that is what I would be writing about.
2. The health of others and ourselves.
Yes, we can do things that will impact our health positively or negatively, but ultimately we cannot control our health. Everyday healthy people receive a diagnosis that cannot be explained by lifestyle choices alone. They get sick because that is part of life. You likely know several individuals who lead healthy, active lives who have been very ill.
3. The government.
Just because we cannot control them doesn’t mean that we don’t pay attention or get involved. But right now, at this moment, the government may be making decisions that you don’t think they should. You cannot control how they vote or which bills they sign. There will never be a government that agrees with your views all the time.
4. The economy.
The global economy is always fluctuating. Some days the market is up, other days the market is down. Some days it even crashes. It is the nature of the economy, and individually we cannot control it. People have been trying for decades, and as far as I know, individuals cannot control the economy.
Most control is an illusion. The only kind of power that is real is self-control.
Everything that we experience falls into two types of business. There is your business and everybody else’s business. Most of the time, when we are trying to control our environment and circumstances, we are focusing on everybody else’s business and not enough on our own.
Here is a quick exercise to determine which business is consuming most of your energy:
Write down everything you are worried about or think should be different on a piece of paper and then sort them into two groups. The first group is your business, and the second group is everyone else’s business.
What you will likely discover is that most of the things you are worried about are not your business; they are everyone else’s business. But, there will be some things on that list that you can control. That is where your energy is best focused.
The good news is there are four things you can control in any circumstance.
1. Your thoughts.
That doesn’t mean that we won’t have crazy, irrational thoughts. Everybody has them. I know I certainly do. Controlling our thoughts requires us to become aware of what our thoughts are. Two of the best ways I have found to generate this type of awareness is through practicing stream of conscious writing and hiring a coach.
Once you identify what your thoughts and beliefs are, then you can decide if it is something that you want to keep thinking and believing. If you have ever planted a garden, you know that weeds often show up. If not attended to, weeds can quickly overwhelm your garden beds. This process of looking at your thoughts and making decisions about them is like weeding your garden. What you want stays, and what you don’t get removed.
2. Your feelings.
A few weeks ago, I wrote about how to feel your feelings. It may not seem like this is something we need to learn to control, but most of us have not had adequate education when it comes to emotional health. The messages we may have received are that other people are responsible for our emotions, and that emotions should be managed and contained.
Taking responsibility for our feelings helps us maintain control of our direction and progress toward goals in life. You can learn to feel your feelings by naming them, owning them, allowing them, and describing them. So, then you can ask the question: What am I think that is making me feel this way?
I find it helps to phrase the answer this way: I am feeling (emotion), because I am thinking (thought).
3. Your actions.
We may not be able to control the government, the economy, our husbands, our children, our neighbors, or our parents, but we can control how we respond to them. One of the questions I have found particularly helpful is asking myself, “who do I want to be in this situation?”
If you are worried about the virus, you can’t control whether you get sick, but there are certain things you can do to make it less likely. Do I want to be someone who washes their hands, wears a mask in public, and sanitizes the surfaces in their home. Or do I want to be the person getting angry at their neighbors for having a BBQ? Don’t give in to the urge to want to control your neighbor. Stay in your business.
4. Your results.
We are always producing something. Either we are creating something we want, or we are creating something we don’t want. Why not be intentional about it? That doesn’t mean you have to train for a marathon, start a business, or organize your entire house.Â
Perhaps being productive and creating is resting because you have been running a rest deficit for months. There is a difference between resting to restore your body and resting to avoid your life. You are always productive, the question is, are you producing what you want?
What I have described in these four areas is the foundation of my coaching practice.
- When you are in control of your thoughts, you are in control of your feelings.
- When you are in control of your feelings, you are in control of your actions.
- When you are in control of your actions, you are in control of your results.
Controlling what you can control is how you stay in your business. It is the process of removing the unnecessary suffering that comes from being worried about things you have not control over. You have big goals, dreams, and aspirations for your life. What could you accomplish if you redirected energy spent trying to control what you can’t and focused it on what you can?
“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”
Viktor E. Frankl
The most rewarding way to live is to control what you can and let everything else go.
Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash
